When you're feeling lost.

Hi there, I've noticed that the last time I posted anything on this blog was last April and it has been over two months. I've been busy with life as usual, many ups and downs, many changes happening around me. Yet I always face the same problem: feeling lost.

I've always felt that I don't belong, I'm lost, I made the wrong choice, I don't know what I'm doing, am i wasting my time, you know, those kind of feeling.

Yet again I feel so lost because I simply don't know how to live my life. Many of my beloved friends had reminded me that I am lucky to be blessed, and to have almost everything I want in life proves how lucky I am. Maybe I am on a path to understand what life really is, what is the purpose of my existence in this world.

I have thought about the "right" way to live my life, the "right" things to do, the expectations that I should bare everyday. I realized that there is no right or wrong. I question why do I consider these actions to be right while others are simply wrong. It has proven one of my weaknesses; I am dependent on public opinions and influences. There is no "right" way to life a life, there is no "right" way to carry oneself, i question what is actually "right".

I am very blessed to realize this soon, because if I were to realize it later, I would live a sad life and I'm basically just wasting my time. I want to do things not because everyone think it's the right thing to do, but because I truly believed in it.

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I don't give a sh*t.

Everyone is different and we all have our own uniqueness. What I am sad about is people who undermines their uniqueness and actually hated it because of the society. So what is a society? Who are they? Top fashion designers, millionaires, big companies? What gives them the right to dictate what we should and shouldn't do?

We all must appreciate what has been given for us. We have our own unique personalities, our characteristics. Humans are too complicated to be put into a box and categorized. Of course we have our own weaknesses and strengths, but many of us has only recognized our weaknesses and not appreciate our strengths. 

It seems like we have too many weaknesses that our strength seemed so irrelevant and meaningless.

Be grateful for what you've been given, even for your weaknesses. We are not obliged to be perfect all the time. We don’t even need to be perfect. We tried to change ourselves to be like someone else but it all ends in vain as we are not supposed to be someone else.

We forget that most of the times changing is not the solution to our problem and insecurities, but looking at the bright side does. 

Appreciate our strengths, our talent, our value, our sense of humor, our quirkiness, us. You are special, you are talented, and you are beautiful. And society’s biggest fear is you knowing that, because if you know the society will no longer have power over us. Don’t give in to society and you’d live a better life.

xo, Steph

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Depression sucks.

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I've last posted. Yes my life has been hectic and I really don't want to waste your (and  my) time about how my life has been. It's a roller coaster ride and I'm just trying to get a grip of everything.

Well I was in a 3months holiday and it was one of the best times of my life. I had reunited with my family after a long time (1 year plus) and to be honest it was really tough at first, but then I started accepting it and things just get better :).

Now that I'm back in Malaysia, things are getting rough. I miss my family, I miss my home and the simplicity of it, I miss my dog, I miss the food, and most of all, I miss my friends. It kind of hit me so hard that I was really sad and fell into depression again.

It's not my first time facing depression and I can tell you that it doesn't get easier everytime i fell into depression. Let me just sum how I'm feeling most of the time: shitty, no desire to do anything, no motivation or whatsoever, losing interest on many things, started to be antisocial again, pessimistic towards everything, and most of all, ungrateful.

I've been in a really dark place lately and I seem to not be able to get away from it. It just torments me in a way that I questioned why the hell am I doing here. I just can't stand it. Negativity is all over the place and to be honest it really breaks me apart.

To smile everyday and pretend that nothing happened is not that hard since I was good at it. But once I'm home alone I'd be crushed. I am tired of everything and I can't see myself facing what's ahead of me.

This is going to be an experience for me and I can assure everyone that I will get back to my optimistic self in no time, since I've always dealt with this on my own. I guess I just need to sort a few things out :)

I can tell you that what keeps me going is my passion to be fit and healthy every single day. I went to gym and beat the shit out of myself 5 days a week and to see how I progress everyday is mindblowing and helps me get through the day :)


xo, Steph.

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2013 Resolution

Hi guys, it's 8 minutes to 2013 and I am so pumped!
This year I spent my new year alone at home; cooked a nice dinner for myself and just watched a nice movie and relax. Decided to put studying aside and will concentrate tomorrow! I wanna give myself a break that I deserve and just relax for today :). I know myself best and I understand that I will resent studying if I forced myself to study today. SO I kinda briefly studied and then I went shopping. It was such a wonderful time. I got myself a blender for my new year gift. Is it weird? lol. I got myself gym clothes and a pull-up bar for my xmas present. I'm a weirdo lol.

I have this habit to write a resolution on the beginning of the year and try mybest to keep it up. Although I usually abandon it after 4-5 months, but hey practice makes perfect right?

Anyway the main point about a resolution is too maintain it. Make it a habit. Make it a part in your life. So here are my resolutions:

•   I want to build a better relationship with my family (especially) and my friends
• Get a ripped and toned body, like my idol LadyFit in Instagram. That is my ideal body. and most importantly, Maintain it!!!
• I want to be fitness inspiration or like a fitness model to show off my bod lol
• I want to be an inspiration and to be able to motivate people
• I want to make few of my dreams come true this year
• I want to be happier, more grateful, healthier, and more sociable
• I want to maintain my clean eating and healthy life
• I want to continue improving my mind through new books and experiences
• I want to study in UK
• I want to travel to countries around the world
• I want to improve my english
• I want to earn $100,000 on my own
• I want to get better grades
• I want to do my own happiness project
• I want to write a book
• I want to gain popularity - readers of my blog, followers, etc
• I want to do things on my interest list. Such as: get a tattoo, get a belly piercing, volunteer in animal shelter, start meditation, etc
• I want to be productive on my holidays -  not wasting it with watching movies or playing ps, but actually read books to further improve myself.
• I want to continue write on gratitude book
• I want to start improving on my soul
• I want to always be positive
• I want handsome angmo bf
• I want to be more charming and less clumsy
• I want to make new friends, be nicer to people and more polite
• I want to curse less
• I want to revise and reflect on my attitude every week to decide what things to improve on
• I want to be more confident
• I want to be more sensitive towards people's feeling, more loving and caring
• I want to be friendlier and not so antisocial 
• I want to start doing things I've never done before!!

There goes my resolution. I know it is very long but I am always the queen for making a list. How about yours? :)

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