When you're feeling lost.

Hi there, I've noticed that the last time I posted anything on this blog was last April and it has been over two months. I've been busy with life as usual, many ups and downs, many changes happening around me. Yet I always face the same problem: feeling lost.

I've always felt that I don't belong, I'm lost, I made the wrong choice, I don't know what I'm doing, am i wasting my time, you know, those kind of feeling.

Yet again I feel so lost because I simply don't know how to live my life. Many of my beloved friends had reminded me that I am lucky to be blessed, and to have almost everything I want in life proves how lucky I am. Maybe I am on a path to understand what life really is, what is the purpose of my existence in this world.

I have thought about the "right" way to live my life, the "right" things to do, the expectations that I should bare everyday. I realized that there is no right or wrong. I question why do I consider these actions to be right while others are simply wrong. It has proven one of my weaknesses; I am dependent on public opinions and influences. There is no "right" way to life a life, there is no "right" way to carry oneself, i question what is actually "right".

I am very blessed to realize this soon, because if I were to realize it later, I would live a sad life and I'm basically just wasting my time. I want to do things not because everyone think it's the right thing to do, but because I truly believed in it.

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I don't give a sh*t.

Everyone is different and we all have our own uniqueness. What I am sad about is people who undermines their uniqueness and actually hated it because of the society. So what is a society? Who are they? Top fashion designers, millionaires, big companies? What gives them the right to dictate what we should and shouldn't do?

We all must appreciate what has been given for us. We have our own unique personalities, our characteristics. Humans are too complicated to be put into a box and categorized. Of course we have our own weaknesses and strengths, but many of us has only recognized our weaknesses and not appreciate our strengths. 

It seems like we have too many weaknesses that our strength seemed so irrelevant and meaningless.

Be grateful for what you've been given, even for your weaknesses. We are not obliged to be perfect all the time. We don’t even need to be perfect. We tried to change ourselves to be like someone else but it all ends in vain as we are not supposed to be someone else.

We forget that most of the times changing is not the solution to our problem and insecurities, but looking at the bright side does. 

Appreciate our strengths, our talent, our value, our sense of humor, our quirkiness, us. You are special, you are talented, and you are beautiful. And society’s biggest fear is you knowing that, because if you know the society will no longer have power over us. Don’t give in to society and you’d live a better life.

xo, Steph

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Depression sucks.

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I've last posted. Yes my life has been hectic and I really don't want to waste your (and  my) time about how my life has been. It's a roller coaster ride and I'm just trying to get a grip of everything.

Well I was in a 3months holiday and it was one of the best times of my life. I had reunited with my family after a long time (1 year plus) and to be honest it was really tough at first, but then I started accepting it and things just get better :).

Now that I'm back in Malaysia, things are getting rough. I miss my family, I miss my home and the simplicity of it, I miss my dog, I miss the food, and most of all, I miss my friends. It kind of hit me so hard that I was really sad and fell into depression again.

It's not my first time facing depression and I can tell you that it doesn't get easier everytime i fell into depression. Let me just sum how I'm feeling most of the time: shitty, no desire to do anything, no motivation or whatsoever, losing interest on many things, started to be antisocial again, pessimistic towards everything, and most of all, ungrateful.

I've been in a really dark place lately and I seem to not be able to get away from it. It just torments me in a way that I questioned why the hell am I doing here. I just can't stand it. Negativity is all over the place and to be honest it really breaks me apart.

To smile everyday and pretend that nothing happened is not that hard since I was good at it. But once I'm home alone I'd be crushed. I am tired of everything and I can't see myself facing what's ahead of me.

This is going to be an experience for me and I can assure everyone that I will get back to my optimistic self in no time, since I've always dealt with this on my own. I guess I just need to sort a few things out :)

I can tell you that what keeps me going is my passion to be fit and healthy every single day. I went to gym and beat the shit out of myself 5 days a week and to see how I progress everyday is mindblowing and helps me get through the day :)


xo, Steph.

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2013 Resolution

Hi guys, it's 8 minutes to 2013 and I am so pumped!
This year I spent my new year alone at home; cooked a nice dinner for myself and just watched a nice movie and relax. Decided to put studying aside and will concentrate tomorrow! I wanna give myself a break that I deserve and just relax for today :). I know myself best and I understand that I will resent studying if I forced myself to study today. SO I kinda briefly studied and then I went shopping. It was such a wonderful time. I got myself a blender for my new year gift. Is it weird? lol. I got myself gym clothes and a pull-up bar for my xmas present. I'm a weirdo lol.

I have this habit to write a resolution on the beginning of the year and try mybest to keep it up. Although I usually abandon it after 4-5 months, but hey practice makes perfect right?

Anyway the main point about a resolution is too maintain it. Make it a habit. Make it a part in your life. So here are my resolutions:

•   I want to build a better relationship with my family (especially) and my friends
• Get a ripped and toned body, like my idol LadyFit in Instagram. That is my ideal body. and most importantly, Maintain it!!!
• I want to be fitness inspiration or like a fitness model to show off my bod lol
• I want to be an inspiration and to be able to motivate people
• I want to make few of my dreams come true this year
• I want to be happier, more grateful, healthier, and more sociable
• I want to maintain my clean eating and healthy life
• I want to continue improving my mind through new books and experiences
• I want to study in UK
• I want to travel to countries around the world
• I want to improve my english
• I want to earn $100,000 on my own
• I want to get better grades
• I want to do my own happiness project
• I want to write a book
• I want to gain popularity - readers of my blog, followers, etc
• I want to do things on my interest list. Such as: get a tattoo, get a belly piercing, volunteer in animal shelter, start meditation, etc
• I want to be productive on my holidays -  not wasting it with watching movies or playing ps, but actually read books to further improve myself.
• I want to continue write on gratitude book
• I want to start improving on my soul
• I want to always be positive
• I want handsome angmo bf
• I want to be more charming and less clumsy
• I want to make new friends, be nicer to people and more polite
• I want to curse less
• I want to revise and reflect on my attitude every week to decide what things to improve on
• I want to be more confident
• I want to be more sensitive towards people's feeling, more loving and caring
• I want to be friendlier and not so antisocial 
• I want to start doing things I've never done before!!

There goes my resolution. I know it is very long but I am always the queen for making a list. How about yours? :)

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What if woman and men switch role at the gym?

Hi! I came across this video a few days ago and I think its hillarious! Go ahead and watch it. It's pretty interesting. What do you think of this video? Is it too stereotyped? Sexist?
Although I feel like it's kinda sexist because not every woman do that, it is still kinda funny hehe. Enjoy!


check it out here. Enjoy!!

xo Steph

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feeling sad.

Hi everyone. I'm just recapping how was my days lately. The fact that I have finals on December 26th sucks. I hate it. But I tell myself to just let it pass, don't complain about it and just focus on my exams. And I did. But inside me, I am just sad. I know I am too focused to study that I did not have time to look at myself and say don't be sad steph. The sadness and disappointement is overwhelming. I  just said Merry Xmas and that's all. My morality and mentality is kinda down. I feel nothing. I feel like I don't have the passion to study anymore, I don't have the passion to even do my exams. I just don't feel.

Today is my first paper and also my first time celebrating xmas without my family. I feel so alone, sad, and just disappointed. I miss my parents and my family and our dinner and my Xmas tree. I just miss all of it. I used to decorate the xmas tree with  my grandma, wrapped presents for everyone in the family, we will go for a feast and our friends and relatives will come. Now I am just alone in my room, cramming for the paper that I'm gonna have the next day.

I just feel so sad. And the fact that I did not pay any attention about it just makes it rot inside me. My first paper was bleh. I know how to do it, and I think I did it quite well. But just that I have this feeling inside me. Like I am not so satisfied, not the i-am-satisfied-i-can-do-it-and-i-am-fucking-happy.

I am sure that there's a lot of people that will do worse than me. And they are just covering it up. I mean I know that I can and will pass the paper because all of my hardwork wont just gone for a waste and I was just not in the mood :D. What I can do is make myself happier and do my exams happier and all will be fine :). You do not need to worry steph. You can do it. You just killed your first paper.

And the fact that I won't be celebrating my new year is kinda sad and pathetic. Why? Because there's exams on the 2nd of january!! Can you fucking imagine it? This is just a phase of life i guess. So I kinda feel like shit when i first write this, and now I feel a whole lot better :). I do not need to worry or anything because I can count on myself and i WILL pass the exam. Thanks for giving me high marks this sem and letting me pass all of my subjects :) And I want to get A too on my business law! Because I did so well and i've put it very nicely and the invigilator could read my writing (at least most of it). Hahaha!

I am so grateful that I am able to study here.
I am so grateful that I am living well.
I am so grateful that everything is provided for me.
I am so grateful to have such loving and supportive friends&family.
I am so grateful that I pass all of my exams.
I am so grateful to have Chloe who is always there beside me.
I am so grateful that I am able to enjoy my life.
I am so grateful that I can finish all the questions within the time scope.
I am so grateful for everything, for every small blessings and for every chance I get.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now I am going to study for my next paper happily :). And I am sure I will be able to score !!

xo Steph.

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Day 5 - 12: My abs are comin out!!

HI guys!!! Sorry for not blogging for a week. Its just that I haven't had much thing to say/write/i dont want to bore you with my daily life lol.

I have finals on 27th Dec - 4th Jan so I've been cramming for exams. And I still tried to fit my time to work out.

BUT BUT I have an important thing to announce after a week of MIA!!

I've been working on my core kinda a lot lately, as my friend told me that I will be lumpy if I have a weak core.
A strong core is essential to have a good body posture. Frankly speaking I have broad and kinda buff shoulders and biceps, my glutes is kinda firm, BUT my back is a humiliation. LOL.

I have a lot of fat on my back (yes it is weird and annoying), and I also have lotsa fats on my hips and below my bust. wth. I don't have much fat on on tummy, but the fat is gathering on the side of the tummy (idk if you get what i mean lol).

Soo I've been working on my core hoping that it will burn more fat.Take note that I don't do cardio because I'm trying to build muscle. I KNOW cardio is essential to burn the excess fat, but I just hate cardio.I'm kinda low in stamina and doing a 10 minutes cardio makes me wanna kill myself. IDK maybe i have a weak heart (I can't stand it if my heart beats very fast, I feel like I'm gonna pass out soon).

I'm gonna do cardio later, I mean after I'm done building muscle, and at that time I'm gonna do cutting and burn my excess fat (hopefully iin 2-3 months). If you do not know my body condition, when I started I literally have no/very little muscle. I am those girls that have no muscle definition and just... thin.

Okay I am ranting.

OKAY so here is my current progress. In the first pic you can see my hip fats when i just started on beginning of dec (2nd or 3rd Dec), the second picture is 5 days later, and the third pic is my current core now.  I am slightly wider now as now is my period and I bloat like hell on my period. It will eventually get normal by 4-5 days.

YOu can see that my hips fat are reducing, as well as the fat under my bust. My core is getting flatter and firmer, and I AM SO HAPPY THAT THIS HAPPENED IN LESS THAN 2 WEEKS HELL YEAH!!!! I can't wait for more definition to show up!!!

My goal is to have a visible abs and bigger glutes by January.

DO you want to know the secret to get fast result?

Btw I just workout like 4-5 days a week, for like 40 minutes and in my own room.

The secret is clean eating, heavy weights with 8-12 reps and 3 sets. I am naturally weak (wtf) so I just use 6lbs dumbbells and it already hurts like hell.

And most importantly, KEEP A POSITIVE MIND!!! I mess up a lot (yesterday I just ate a lot of fries and chicken chop because I was crazy), I eat more calories than I should, I love to nibble at night, but I never blamed myself.

I understand and accept that I am not perfect. That I make mistakes. I know it is hard, but I accept it. And it gets easier from there. 

For everytime that I mess up, I forgive myself, saying that I slipped, but I get right back up. I did not beat myself up for being such a dummy. I don't let that small mistakes mess up my day, and I just move forward.

Yesterday was the day before my period, and I kept on feeling hungry this few days. I ate and ate and ate. Before I slept I finished like half of my big cheerios box because I kept on feeling hungry. And I felt like shit when I woke up lol. But I don't let my bad morning ruins my day. I drank jugs of green tea, worked out, read some motivation books, showered, and prepare myself to study again.

So the point is keep yourself happy! Keep yourself motivated, and just be positive!! Have a happy mind and you will have a happy life! I am just overflown by happiness wahahaha. okay I'm crazy.

I will try my best to blog tomorrow! Stay tune and see my results! Have an AMAZING day  peepo!!!

xo Steph

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