feeling sad.

Hi everyone. I'm just recapping how was my days lately. The fact that I have finals on December 26th sucks. I hate it. But I tell myself to just let it pass, don't complain about it and just focus on my exams. And I did. But inside me, I am just sad. I know I am too focused to study that I did not have time to look at myself and say don't be sad steph. The sadness and disappointement is overwhelming. I  just said Merry Xmas and that's all. My morality and mentality is kinda down. I feel nothing. I feel like I don't have the passion to study anymore, I don't have the passion to even do my exams. I just don't feel.

Today is my first paper and also my first time celebrating xmas without my family. I feel so alone, sad, and just disappointed. I miss my parents and my family and our dinner and my Xmas tree. I just miss all of it. I used to decorate the xmas tree with  my grandma, wrapped presents for everyone in the family, we will go for a feast and our friends and relatives will come. Now I am just alone in my room, cramming for the paper that I'm gonna have the next day.

I just feel so sad. And the fact that I did not pay any attention about it just makes it rot inside me. My first paper was bleh. I know how to do it, and I think I did it quite well. But just that I have this feeling inside me. Like I am not so satisfied, not the i-am-satisfied-i-can-do-it-and-i-am-fucking-happy.

I am sure that there's a lot of people that will do worse than me. And they are just covering it up. I mean I know that I can and will pass the paper because all of my hardwork wont just gone for a waste and I was just not in the mood :D. What I can do is make myself happier and do my exams happier and all will be fine :). You do not need to worry steph. You can do it. You just killed your first paper.

And the fact that I won't be celebrating my new year is kinda sad and pathetic. Why? Because there's exams on the 2nd of january!! Can you fucking imagine it? This is just a phase of life i guess. So I kinda feel like shit when i first write this, and now I feel a whole lot better :). I do not need to worry or anything because I can count on myself and i WILL pass the exam. Thanks for giving me high marks this sem and letting me pass all of my subjects :) And I want to get A too on my business law! Because I did so well and i've put it very nicely and the invigilator could read my writing (at least most of it). Hahaha!

I am so grateful that I am able to study here.
I am so grateful that I am living well.
I am so grateful that everything is provided for me.
I am so grateful to have such loving and supportive friends&family.
I am so grateful that I pass all of my exams.
I am so grateful to have Chloe who is always there beside me.
I am so grateful that I am able to enjoy my life.
I am so grateful that I can finish all the questions within the time scope.
I am so grateful for everything, for every small blessings and for every chance I get.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now I am going to study for my next paper happily :). And I am sure I will be able to score !!

xo Steph.

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